Her features slowly and vaguely came back to him. He saw her eyes first. With that black eye liner that extenuated them.   He thought of her hair, originally almond brown, but in his mind she was blond, like summer 2010 when she got strands of gold on her bangs and lower curls. It was as if she was hiding behind the wrong hair color her entire life. Oh but he loved her as brunette. She was sexy, in a dark way, but the blond, man the blond created an immediate chemical combustion in his system. An inner strength or a weakness that constantly drew him to her subconsciously. The power of fucking color he thought.

 He thought of her ears and remembered her 5 piercings. 2 on her right side lower lobe, and another new one she had got on her upper cartilage, just to make herself feel a little bad ass, she loved it.  and  then he thought about the other 2 placed on her lower left side lobe, a gap between, where she had chosen or neglected to place an earring in that pierce.

Why was he thinking about her ears? His detailed inspection of her mental image was just plain absurd to him. It bothered him and made him hate himself. But he knew why. Her shiny ear diamonds and studs and their clear lack of symmetry reflected how she really was. Asymmetrical forever, imperfect on a good day, and just a mess. The most beautiful mess he had ever seen. He had cracked. He allowed himself, after months of internal struggle, to put his ego aside, and admit, that he had missed her more than he wanted ever to. He finally fell for the trap that everyone warned him about when it first happened. "You cannot block it forever, act like it never happened, it'll come back to hunt you in full throttle."

Sipping on his double black and ice, her image was complete in his head, and he couldn't dare close his eyes. She will be there, reminding him of what went down, how low everything fell, how he fucked up, and how he made her feel. How he made those eyes feel. He knew he would become an insomniac, a patient of the night, a warrior of a lost battle, up all night thinking about her beautiful asymmetrical mess.

Mariam N

The cruelest thing in this world is granting false hope. Unrealistic hope..imaginary hope. A failed pregnancy. Hope that leaves u baron again. You think its going to get better.. that finally you will smile again.. that life will change in a way.. and although you are scared of change..you are willing to take the risk.Because you want to believe again. Potential happiness is an envious person's biggest target....and I marked it with an eye-catching red cross. I shouldn't have spoken about it. I tried to down play it.. but still.. it showed. But what am I saying, at the end of the day, I am the one to blame. For being too easy, too nice, too kind, for being who I really am. Which leaves me wondering who I really am. Am I actually that person I loath.. the desperate females..who keep trying to come whole. I thought I was whole..but I never was. Actions speak louder than words. If I was the main actress in a movie that I am watching.. I would hate myself. I would want to go up to her and give her advice. Honey, don't underestimate yourself. Stop being insecure. You have it all. You have it. Don't forget who you are, where you really came from, where you grew up. That is who you are. You are not them..and you will never be. A negro wanting to be white. This is no michael jackson. I am thankful for this, because i realized that I can actually care again. But i've learned another hard lesson once more. Just because he was the first polite one, doesnt mean hes not an asshole. He's a smart asshole. You've set your standards too low that a king could rise from the dirt just by slightly over achieving. That is your own fault. That is your problem. You are lucky once more, to have been spared the heart-ache. Cut it short, don't let it dwell and unfold. Complications no more, thank god for your family and friend. For your job, for everything. False hope you wont play me once more. I am forever in doubt.

Mariam N

She said you can do anything if you put your mind to it, but sometimes i find it really hard to jot down how i feel, its much easier to conceal. To hide behind silence, and leave words unexposed. The last time I wrote I was on the other end of the world, but I guess now its the time to let it out, unfurled. Unroll, unzip, uncurl. So I try and I try, and it just doesn't seem to flow, what do I want to say what do I want to show. I'm back home, trying to fit in, to bend to remold. It's not as hard as I thought but god damn some days I'm out of hope. Why are you people so weird, where did your moral skills disappear, somebody should have stopped this from happening and just interfered. I guess its because religion rules, I really really try to fight what I'm feeling but some people don't come off as nothing but a bunch of fools. I can't even walk around my city, my own hometown, those men are so sexually deprived , when I hide back in my car I'm like damn I survived. Because we live like sheep, we're so behind. I guess it would've been easier if my eyes were never opened and my mind stayed focused on how I was living 5 years ago. It would've been easier, but I would never take it back. The blessing that I had has taught me everything that back then I used to lack. Why are you starring at me turn around. Then I talk to myself and discuss that it isn't as bad, every place has its flaws, I just need to re-learn how to love it unconditionally. Like a mother loves its child. Unconditional.
Sometimes I sit and reminisce about all the faces I used to know, that somehow I had to let go. We just didn't rub the same way anymore, I had to let go.




Mariam N

There is no light at the end of a Dead End

I think its time to admit , that i have feelings for him.

That once again i've found myself in a self pitying situation. That once again im at a dead end. Is it the attention, the boredom or is this who I really am. This is who I really am. For as long as I remember I craved the attention. I loved the male, that sex. That side of me taking me straight, so straight, wish i could divert. I'd be less hurt. In a situation with a person that I play boyfriend/girlfriend with. We play pretend because thats been a theme for me. Self-denial. Self-consciousness. and Self loathing. Do we take each other for granted like he says..do I expect more than I should..do I put him over the hill more than for anyone else I would.

 Since I'm being open now ill just keep talking..

Is it lust, or is it boredom. because for sure its stinging jealousy...burning inside of me, tearing my inner flesh, leaving me anxious, angry, confused and in doubt. The  fear of missing him out.The fear of the phase that it is.The fear of the ending. A dead end..like i said it is. Thats what it is.. why did i do this.. why did i let it. Too old for this too smart for this, too young for this, too stupid. The things is, I really don't get what I see in him.. yet when we're together, its not the same as anyone else, no one can compare, a feeling i cannot simply spare. I am happy, content, nourished, and no longer famished. I dont need anyone. My Self-sufficient irony. Because he gives me that juice of spirit i need. That feeling i yearn to feel. No one else does it. I dont think he realizes the power he has on me.. his unintentional halo-on his worst days- that brightens my fucking darkest days. He plays with me like a toy, takes me wherever he wants, making me compromise my time my reputation my friends.. I do it intentionally knowing that for once I dont mind being played...fucked up. 

 The ambiance he grows on my soul, the feeling that I dont want to let go, knowing that i have to, that i must, that i must walk away, put in that first step, walk away..from his beautiful smile, from his beautiful smile. 

We must learn to let go...

Denial

Never underestimate the power of denial, and I mean it. Never!
Its how we (humans) unconsciously (sometimes consciously) cope.
Denial is that brain heuristic, a shortcut, that gives us the ability to get out of bed in the morning.
To live again. It paves the way to forgetting. Like packing your thoughts and putting them away on that high shelf that you can't always reach. Denial is how we move on.
Denial is that 40 something year old woman living in her 20s
Its that couple sitting on the couch watching TV in silence on a Sunday night, co-existing
Its that girl sitting on his lap ignoring all the messages on his phone
Its when you're at a Gucci store with a maxed out credit card
Denial is when we know they're right, but we don't listen
Its when you go through that "they don't understand, I know better" thought process
Its when you're scared shit-less about a lifestyle change and you put a calm face on
Its when you don't really remember the night but you had a "good time"
Denial is when nothing is a big deal anymore
When you've been through it all and you start to think its normal
When you think you're winning but somehow all you left is breadcrumbs
Its when you think your Facebook friends are your real friends, cyber world
It's when you're madly in love and you think you're making rational decisions, blinded
It's when you miss them so much but you think your life will be fine without them
It's when everything is "okay" but you're reaching for the bottle
It's when "nothing changed" and everything is not the same
Denial. Never underestimate the power of denial. At least don't be in denial about that.

Mariam N

Hmm.

So you're here , predetermined , just on time.
I love you , but I was so close to calling it off.
It's cliche, nothing personal, but I've been having a hard time bringing myself..pushing myself to engage in human interaction.
I have enough communication going on...oh but can I still call it "communication" if its one ended? Oh whatever, so you're here now. I proceed, asking you how I can feed.. that buzz you need.
So I fix you up and I lead. Let me entertain you , touch that side of you, that you hide so well..but not quite. I know because I do that too but sometimes I fail.
What do you want to talk about..our feelings?
Your process of healing?
How we're dealing?
Coping or competing?
I'm lost, so I'm opening the door slightly, tell me what I should be believing?
How can I be sure this is what I want when I just can't predict what I will be feeling?
So you start to talk, I can hear the words before you speak.
You tell me life is what you make it, you can give it you can take it
You can waste it, and I love it.
So I take over
And I want to tell you everything , but its just so hard.
I'm too lazy to explain, because Its just too much, and you might not understand...all the times that I've had.
I've always had a plan. Now your telling me I have to rewind.
I'm just not ready for that.
Because I've been hurt there
There are somethings that I've been avoiding
And I've been running away
and every time i think about going to stay
I smile at first, but in my heart i can feel a cramp
Knowing that I must face it , I'm going back to base camp
Oh and I know it'll be good , I can do it I'm a champ..
I'm talking too much I really didn't give you a chance.
See I guess its a miscommunication that we tried to communicate
Because in my head I already know the story and finished the debate
That's why I'm up all night, that's why my mind wanders off
You tell me not to think too much, I swear it doesn't go off.
I can go on and on forever , I know its enough
I overwhelmed you, so we change the topic into random stuff
Now you're sober
Back to normal
You get up , I TTYL you and close the door
Leaving me alone with my thoughts, spark spark ..then no more.

Mariam N

Dream of Paradise

Mariam N

Born

Death is such a weird concept that I do not understand. The more you think about it the harder it gets to comprehend. Where do they go ? Do they watch upon us? Can they see the pain...the aching they left behind, and how hard it is to move on ? How impossible it is to forget? How the dynamics will forever be changed? How smiles try to conceal broken souls, and how happiness becomes abstract..an unattainable goal? How they go away and steal a part of you and never give it back? Do they know?
Maybe they forget..I would want to forget. But how dare they forget! The days you spent, the moments you connect. All the times you sat for hours in silence ..just silence..because that's all you needed sometimes..too close for formalities..then you wake up one day, and you're just sitting alone.. in silence..two lungs ventilating.two others missing.. reminiscing.. sipping..
Broken people..you see them everyday..

When do you know? Do they really want you to move on? Will she let you open your heart once more and let go?
You meet, its unexpected. It happens. He plays games, and so do you.You deny it, try to forget it..it meant nothing. But you can't stop thinking about it, remembering every touch..every word. She makes him smile, but she can see the hesitation in his eyes. Torn. Your head wants it , but his wounds start to leak every time you come near.. then he starts to freak..so you have to make that choice.. you'd rather not..but the decision is a must.  Because he can't handle that feeling again..too risky, too scary. And you have you're standards, and you have your friends, and on a potential disaster you'd rather just miss.. so you play pretend and you play friends.. because you've had your share and he has too.. and your scars are too scared to learn how to fall in love. Again. Stuck in the middle, haunted by the past..you waited.. he didn't meet you half way..so you'd rather just walk away.

How do you teach your heart how to love ?

Mariam N

Someone unlike you

Lights, buildings, hopes , highs, lows, and drops. I came in a child. What does this city do.. build you up , corrupt you, educate you, and throw you into life.
I wonder when I'm alone, about all the changes , all the "new" faces that are no longer new .. my new self and the damage I cant undo..
When I'm alone, I watch the fake stars, I try to forget .. but the problem is they left scars.. I wonder when I'm alone...then the voice inside get so loud, so I shut it up and numb it. Sitting in beautiful rooms, talking about a bunch of fools. Fools yes, not the males and the he's. That's just an old misconception. Blaming them always for the mistakes we make, for our soft hearts. It's not their fault. Its not his fault..
I let him do it , but he still did it . I was oblivious to the state of my heart. The kingdom was falling.
Because I no longer feed myself bullshit. Take it out and replace it with a pulse maker. Ticking my life away, because they're all the same. You think it's a problem when your sleeping alone, but isn't it a problem when it doesn't feel wrong anymore?

But then this one thing happens, and you start to feel like a kid again.. for a second though only..now I'm fully aware..but why would I go back to square one? Don't lie to me Adele, don't whine to me Lana. The next one will have to jump across all the mines I have planted. Survival of the fittest.

Mariam N

Say..what you need to say

Someone called me emotionally unavailable today.. really ?

I don't know why it really got to me. I got so defensive. But maybe I have been locked up emotionally. When did this happen? I guess I've been underestimating everything I've been through.. not letting it soak in.. moving on ..because if you linger in the past too much..if you think about ur mistakes for longer than you should..you're always going to be stuck.. so you go through life .. doing , repeating, learning.. maybe it just numbed me up ..oh well.. deal with it. Once you make that impression of someone, its really hard to change it.. and I really don't care to change it ... maybe I have become emotionally blocked ... for now




Mariam N

Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character- Jared Leto 

Mariam N

Hello there

I somehow find myself , battling with my demons
My inner fears, hopeless dreams and insecure tears
I have always known, they tend to mix up into something evil
But noway , that can't be the real me
Those little demons..
I forgot about them but i knew
that someday it will be due
and then smiles expose sharp edged teeth
and the liquid I'm sipping on calls on the devil from beneath
I put him down to sleep
I thought I learned how to control him, but tonight he defeats
In the morning , I read the confusion on the faces
I'm trying to fix the damage and wipe out all its traces
I tell them it wasn't me
but maybe it was
a side of me locked up and wanting to scream
but i cant lose my skill to conceal
to hide what i really mean
its necessary
to hide how I really feel
what i really feel

Mariam N

Living in a grey spot. Having a hard time figuring out right from wrong, sin from redemption, love from lust, confidence from insecurity. Figuring it out. But its getting gloomy outside and grey's not my color, so lets keep it black and white for now. Simple and clear. Tired of over analyzing...

Mariam N

Some say love is cursed by monogamy 

Mariam N

Unleash me

   I'm having a minor aneurysm due to this writers block. I delete, refresh, sanitize and try over and over. What do I want to say. Overwhelmed with my thoughts. I guess I just can't write when I'm in the middle east. I need some tranquility and surprisingly, home just doesn't do it. All I know is that when I can't write , a weird feeling starts to cook. Thriving somewhere in my deep recesses, growing and mushrooming. Driving me crazy. But what do I want to say: That I'm hard on myself, that I'm scared of not being able to recognize innocence, that I'm not as perfect or strong as they think, but my imperfections reflect my true authentic self. What you see is what you get. I want to say that I rarely don't get along with people , but I rarely connect. If this curse would unblock I would say it all, like the fact that I hate dogs, and I love drake. That I wont judge you if your shit aint designer , that makes you less fake. That I no longer believe in love , and thats not because I'm bitter. Infatuation yes, but love is a complete mess. Who knows what it is . I would say that I want so much but I need someone to motivate me. Push me around, even though i fucking hate being pushed around. I would say that very few people really get it , so you just have to pretend.  Trying to emerge from this block so I can say it all. But wait didn't you just say it? Oh , theres more. I'll embellish it for you  next time. I'll make it sound pretty. Like a song. I'm having an aneurysm from this writers block. 

Oh this is by far my favorite Vogue editorial , very "girl interrupted" :

Mariam N

Tonight let all your pain be champagne

She stared at the cracks in the ceiling for a while. Soon enough she created shapes and figures in her head. She thought about her friends. She knew she was blessed with a strong support system. Yet, she couldn't have felt more solitude. She remembered the new sandals she brought a few days ago. I don't deserve them. They were so extreme. She thought that was exactly what she needed to smash that glass of numbness. A big piece of glass, she sat behind it , and observed. Un-engaged. She admired how sexy skinny girls looked in such high heels. They gave her temporary satisfaction. That'll do.. what is permanent? 
11 am. Too early to start a day that she wanted to end already. She forced herself up. The sun hit the water so beautifully, and immediately elevated some of that heaviness. She heard them talking about a conspiracy and the chaotic revolution. Everything about Arabs is messy. She thought about him. Wondering how he would feel if he came here. She breathed in a brick. She was bothered and relieved that she had noway of getting in touch with the world. She realized how hard it is for her mind to connect the duality she lived. Her life in the north seemed like an illusion under all this heat, and after he left her she started to believe it never happened.That drove some of her sanity away.

No longer the person you left. Suddenly, she felt the unfamiliar. A new feeling that was racing through her every cell. Pausing for a minute, admiring the beauty of the water, she recognized what it was. She felt ashamed. She was never in her life the one to hate. It was necessary, uncontrollable, undeniable and completely justified. She decided to let herself have the moment, and maybe just hate the pain away.

Mariam N

Victim of your own optimism

It's like when you buy a carton of milk. You need it, you use it , your meal is incomplete without it. Normally, you know better than getting hung up on something that will eventually expire. It will rot. Try having it after the marked date.. it gets bitter.
I'd write more, but I have so much to say, that I can't say anything. At least not yet. Forgive my muteness.

Mariam N

I demand you take it off

I have a suggestion, how about you take off your masks and join the world? You'll eat better, see clearer, breathe easier. Trust me its an amazing thing to be real. Take off your masks and live in transparency. Don't live an illusion, don't take fashion advice from super heroes! Show your true colours, beliefs, emotions, ideas, opinions, share your secrets, your twisted wishes, your regrets, your sorrows. Accept the pain, live in the moment, love back, initiate love, give birth, turn on the lights. Take off your masks! 

When words fail to come out

ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVS. 

FLAMING STRAWBERRIES 

US/MEXICAN  BORDER

M is for Muse It

I don't know what I feel about humans, but I love the music they make. I will always escape to music. It always fits in somehow. No one wants to walk, jog, clean their house, or have a drink with their thoughts. Music. This is a link to my dearest friends blog. I used to have a scheme. I would charm him into giving me his best, never heard before songs ( I have no clue how he finds his shit), then I would fall in love with them and immediately spread the word about those stimulating tunes. Yeah he'd get upset, but I just couldn't control myself. The music was turning me into an addict. I had to always sneak behind his back.  He's finally come a long, and realized that music is the universal religion. Bringing us together, uniting us, all into one. Heres the link. Get ready to be amused. http://muse-it.blogspot.com/

Don't you wish you could turn the switch off sometimes... 

Sumaah tayme

Time is running, feels like we're moving at the speed of light.. I don't have time to look at the sky, or even time to allow myself to get upset about the things that are upsetting me. But, I see a bit of light from the sky after months of dormancy. I missed her. I need her. She's here. Cheers to many more sunny hot humid days!

Everyone's weird

I always wondered why I'm so attracted to broken people.. 

LLL

I don't know about you all , but nothing can send me on a self destructive path like silence. Big apartment, parked in the sky. All I hear is the loud sound of silence, paused by a few coughs. I don't know how people do it. Living alone? I won't understand it. I've never really liked being alone, so I made it a point to always be around others, till I find myself at a bottleneck, at the verge of chocking...and then I complain about it. Sometimes I hate it, and find myself begging for a few moments of no one or nothing  but me. Just when I find that my wish is granted..I feel loneliness's grip slowly suffocating me. Forcing me to hang out with my thoughts. So I try to distract myself. Grab a book, flip through the cable, but we both know that soon I will be defeated. My thoughts. My inner dialogs.  Definitely not my favorite friends, but I give them a chance. I try to engage with them in some kind of conversation, only to realize how unpleasant they are. I don't like them. So I pick up my phone and send a shout out to one of you, to come here, or at least talk to me, consume me with your reality, because at the moment,  I just want to escape mine.

Awkward

Maybe self-improvement is not the answer sometimes. Sink to your lowest, hit bottom rock, linger there for a while, start to like it, knowing you actually hate it, then blame it on whatever you want. This is not me, this is not how I usually am I swear.......

I think you need to bring that version of yourself to life. Materialize it. Become aware of it. Then emerge victoriously, with a sharp clear vision of the person you never want to be. Thats self improvement.
Also, MS anonymous , really?? I know who you are. People like you are the reason this world is falling apart.