Tonight let all your pain be champagne

She stared at the cracks in the ceiling for a while. Soon enough she created shapes and figures in her head. She thought about her friends. She knew she was blessed with a strong support system. Yet, she couldn't have felt more solitude. She remembered the new sandals she brought a few days ago. I don't deserve them. They were so extreme. She thought that was exactly what she needed to smash that glass of numbness. A big piece of glass, she sat behind it , and observed. Un-engaged. She admired how sexy skinny girls looked in such high heels. They gave her temporary satisfaction. That'll do.. what is permanent? 
11 am. Too early to start a day that she wanted to end already. She forced herself up. The sun hit the water so beautifully, and immediately elevated some of that heaviness. She heard them talking about a conspiracy and the chaotic revolution. Everything about Arabs is messy. She thought about him. Wondering how he would feel if he came here. She breathed in a brick. She was bothered and relieved that she had noway of getting in touch with the world. She realized how hard it is for her mind to connect the duality she lived. Her life in the north seemed like an illusion under all this heat, and after he left her she started to believe it never happened.That drove some of her sanity away.

No longer the person you left. Suddenly, she felt the unfamiliar. A new feeling that was racing through her every cell. Pausing for a minute, admiring the beauty of the water, she recognized what it was. She felt ashamed. She was never in her life the one to hate. It was necessary, uncontrollable, undeniable and completely justified. She decided to let herself have the moment, and maybe just hate the pain away.

Mariam N