I demand you take it off

I have a suggestion, how about you take off your masks and join the world? You'll eat better, see clearer, breathe easier. Trust me its an amazing thing to be real. Take off your masks and live in transparency. Don't live an illusion, don't take fashion advice from super heroes! Show your true colours, beliefs, emotions, ideas, opinions, share your secrets, your twisted wishes, your regrets, your sorrows. Accept the pain, live in the moment, love back, initiate love, give birth, turn on the lights. Take off your masks! 

When words fail to come out

ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVS. 

FLAMING STRAWBERRIES 

US/MEXICAN  BORDER

M is for Muse It

I don't know what I feel about humans, but I love the music they make. I will always escape to music. It always fits in somehow. No one wants to walk, jog, clean their house, or have a drink with their thoughts. Music. This is a link to my dearest friends blog. I used to have a scheme. I would charm him into giving me his best, never heard before songs ( I have no clue how he finds his shit), then I would fall in love with them and immediately spread the word about those stimulating tunes. Yeah he'd get upset, but I just couldn't control myself. The music was turning me into an addict. I had to always sneak behind his back.  He's finally come a long, and realized that music is the universal religion. Bringing us together, uniting us, all into one. Heres the link. Get ready to be amused. http://muse-it.blogspot.com/

Don't you wish you could turn the switch off sometimes... 

Sumaah tayme

Time is running, feels like we're moving at the speed of light.. I don't have time to look at the sky, or even time to allow myself to get upset about the things that are upsetting me. But, I see a bit of light from the sky after months of dormancy. I missed her. I need her. She's here. Cheers to many more sunny hot humid days!

Everyone's weird

I always wondered why I'm so attracted to broken people.. 

LLL

I don't know about you all , but nothing can send me on a self destructive path like silence. Big apartment, parked in the sky. All I hear is the loud sound of silence, paused by a few coughs. I don't know how people do it. Living alone? I won't understand it. I've never really liked being alone, so I made it a point to always be around others, till I find myself at a bottleneck, at the verge of chocking...and then I complain about it. Sometimes I hate it, and find myself begging for a few moments of no one or nothing  but me. Just when I find that my wish is granted..I feel loneliness's grip slowly suffocating me. Forcing me to hang out with my thoughts. So I try to distract myself. Grab a book, flip through the cable, but we both know that soon I will be defeated. My thoughts. My inner dialogs.  Definitely not my favorite friends, but I give them a chance. I try to engage with them in some kind of conversation, only to realize how unpleasant they are. I don't like them. So I pick up my phone and send a shout out to one of you, to come here, or at least talk to me, consume me with your reality, because at the moment,  I just want to escape mine.

Awkward

Maybe self-improvement is not the answer sometimes. Sink to your lowest, hit bottom rock, linger there for a while, start to like it, knowing you actually hate it, then blame it on whatever you want. This is not me, this is not how I usually am I swear.......

I think you need to bring that version of yourself to life. Materialize it. Become aware of it. Then emerge victoriously, with a sharp clear vision of the person you never want to be. Thats self improvement.
Also, MS anonymous , really?? I know who you are. People like you are the reason this world is falling apart.

Sunday morning blues.

Reality is a story told to us by our brains. When I first heard my psychology professor saying that 2 years ago , I thought he was wise and that I completely understood him. It took me 2 years to realize that I actually do not understand. So at night when I'm alone, I contemplate. If we all have separate brains, hence different ideas of reality , then what is it then? An act of fiction, an idea? Whats the point of getting close to someone, if our perceptions will never be the same? I wonder..or maybe we're trapped in a loop hole of trial and error.

Oh Well..

Im walking with my coat on , but I hear them say its April. 11 pm . I hate passing through these ancient buildings at such a late hour. Its cold. But I wont stop till I get there. I have to ride it through. What a mission. Then I accept it, I pick it up, and I'm on a roll. I take my hand out of my pocket. I look at it. Its holding a pack. I light a smoke. 10 more minutes of systematic footwork. Damn it , ipod's running low. But im still puffing. Only when Im close to the bud do i realize.. that i have lost most of my senses in my hand. Red bruised. I wonder how i didnt notice it before. Then in a single moment of clarity in this dark night, I figure out how valuable these mouth to side movements are to me. More valuable than having a warm hand in my pocket. Addiction and conditional training. Our minds and bodies.. you are what you train yourself to be.... I wonder how many things I'm obliviously conditioned to ...and what happens when you become aware?

Me, Myself.. and I

Your the only one watching your life. Your the performance and the audience. So take care of you. The show deserves to be watched.

The script

Its strange and amusing, how people come and go. You know, people who come inside and actually unlock doors. Its hard for us to retain how we felt back then. Humans. Blessed and cursed with the gift of forgetting. Yet, you know for a fact that you swore you'd never forget. But you did. Temporarily. Yet, you know that some moments in the years between then and now , you felt their presence again, somewhere..sometimes, in the randomest.

You think of shooting a text..no maybe an email? knowing you actually wont.

What would you say? Do you still know how to talk to his heart? how to trigger ? Maybe not.

You brush it off and go to sleep with a weird taste in your dream. Then it happens, because oh it does happen. Your somehow face to face. You cant help but blush, feel the blood rush, and think oh fuck. Caught off guard. What do you say? Oh hi, how are you. Society taught us how to pretend..scripts and small talk, we can do that. Smiling but really wanting to just run away. Regretting why you came to this place anyway. Your both wondering, why does this feel weird, after all these years? but you both know exactly why. Making common people chat, forgetting what they once had.How they touched. How they vowed.The pain. Forgetting who they were in that time, realizing how much they've grown apart,

Knowing that this person undoubtedly shaped who you are,

yet failing to see it in their spark, what spark?

And just in that moment, you understand

and you get that feeling that you were bound to have

that feeling that your meeting..for the first time.

Fill me

What do you do when life puts a block on ur adrenaline duct?

Do you fall back , accept it ? Would you rather be sensitive about things you don't really care about, or not being able to feel anything towards the things you care about the most? What do you do when nothing excites you, when nothing surprises you? When your tears flow no more and your pressing hard ? What do you tell the girl who knows it all? Tell her its spring again.. smile, forget the winter blues in december.. and carry on.

Luminocity

I have a headache. Saturday morning, my thoughts woke me up. The lack of power thats been taking over me is unbelievable.

One thing about will power, once you crack it , its never the same.

I've been rendering submissively to everything i said I would not.

I'm kind of sick of this game.

I know I can do it , I know I can..

then why do I see it hanging every time i look at my hand.

Isn't it amazing what a few puffs can do.

Little pieces of a devil, thats what I'm rendering to.

Head rush, amplifier and all that

I try to distract the urge, but it distracts me back.

It's a wrong state of mind that i just cant seem to retract.

And as i glance down, I laugh at how much this little thing stands for.

New ideas, and beliefs, that i never thought I'd vote for.

So where do I go from here.

Tell me if its going to be permanent or if it'll someday disappear

Because you can't keep expecting me to know whats right and wrong.

It's relative, justifiable, come on if religion cant agree on one deal

Dont expect me to know what to preach and what to fear.

And as i let my guard down that I've been pushing up so high

I find myself in tears, and ashamed I ask the sky

What do you want from me, how can i live a good life till i die

But i hear no answer, all i see is light

Illuminating from above , damn it I've got to fight

Then I go through it all over, determined and full of might

And as I'm walking around, I catch a glimpse of it and I wonder if I'm ready yet..

I pick it up , and I tell myself, that today is not the day

Deep down I'd know that tomorrow I'll behave the same way

A self destructive circle, I'll run around through

Bending myself a bit more everyday,

Hoping I would mould that crack in my will power

and fight back, pretty soon.. amen I pray.

At least I'm trying ! That picture...Little kids doing big kid things.

I want to marry my bestfriend. Its possible, I witnessed it today. Good things still happen.

good riddance 2010? or not?

According to astrology and horoscope lovers, 2010 was a year of change for Libras like me, and supposedly 2011 will keep walking in that path. I don't know if I really believe predictions but personally my life seems to have taken a position on that wheel of fortune. Spinning randomly and chaotically. It feels like the beginning of the year was a decade ago. I don't know if it really is a "new" year or are we as humans just playing with numbers, I mean we have so many different new years, Chinese, Muslim, Persian,etc, which one marks the beginning?

On another note, I've been through so much in the past year. The first half was dramatic just as my new years evening was. Looking back, I'm thankful for the good as much as the bad. I'm thankful for the hate I've seen, the prejudiced beings, for the hypocritical. Eye opening year. Thank you for the mistakes I've made, for the wrong causes I pursued. It's been tough, but I emerged. They thought I'd sink but I floated.

Praises to all the new faces I've met in the second half of the year, mostly in Toronto. Each one of you added a peace to my existence.

Should we pay homage for the days that past or try to write down pointless resolutions? I find that everyone is almost hoping for the same things, re-wishing last years wishes.. humans are optimistic by nature. Which explains the emphasis we place on celebrating the birth of a new year with pathetic parties and binge drinking. Are we trying to forget? I will never understand.

Re-capping from a wider lens, what has humanity done. We have 3D television sets, Spain won the world cup, Fashion evolved to a "anything works" era, hearts are still getting broken, some homes are built on the developed end, many shattered on the developing. Natural disasters hit the unfortunate, Secrets exposed (love that), governments ashamed. I've been hearing about world peace efforts for the past 20 years...still no progress, so I'm not really sure what I want from Mr.011.

What I do know is that I gained a bit of wisdom this year, I'm not replaying last years resolutions because as I said I've changed. This year.. I don't know how its going to go, if planning ahead gives you a sense of comfort and security then go ahead and do it. But it seems pointless to me, I'm just going to try and be a better human, elevate to another level hopefully, keep influencing those of you in my life, and keep an open eye and open mind. To the children brought into the world in 2011, I would like to welcome you to the world, I was going to throw some of my ideology at you, but I realized that people dont understand till they go through it..we learn from our own mistakes, advice, we barely take, so I'm just going to save my breath.

Lost for words, hoping for the best, and expecting the worst. Wishing you all the best. For the sake of tradition I'll say happy new years, and may the best of 2010 be the worst of your 2011..oh what the hell, Cheers!

Feeling like an Eve

It’s unfortunate that they say its not right. Rocking on this chair, pretending to pretend, rocking away.

Holding them in, too precious to shed. No tears from a king. I am a king, a soldier, a night-time lonely watcher. Surrounded by it all, security around the clock. Still thinking about the forbidden, the impossible, the unfortunate. Oh damn, security breach. I know I will be okay. I told you I’m a soldier. I’ll shoot you. Leap over your dead body and walk away. If only…I was a soldier. It’s my fault. I never forget the rules, so why am I stranded on an illegal border now. I want to go home, but what is home, where is it, I don’t know anymore. I need help. Can I go back to who I was before? I crossed the line, and lost the way back. Because you’re the fruit I always wanted. Your shoulder was built for me. I've heard them say, I've been warned, don't touch what you cant grab, dont reach for what you cant have. But I just want you to know that my heart is a rebel, it doesn't play by the rules, so save your guidelines, let it be. No language or religion. Does it really matter? Why do you have to go and put titles, labels, pick up the red highlighter and emphasize our differences? What am i saying, they don’t understand. My pain they won’t comprehend. Yes, I’m forever changed. No longer in denial. Your face is haunting me. I want to go back and do things differently, but I can't be thinking this way. I wish I never came home to you that day. I should’ve stayed with my friends. The butterfly effect. Damn that horrible beautiful butterfly. Casually landed on my palm, caught me off-guard and I knew I wouldn’t be the same again. Greatness is what we feared; I know our bond would’ve blown me away. So we run away now, escape with what we can still save. Because the love is not enough, and the pain is just too rough. You opened the door so easily, now everytime I close my eyes, even if it’s just to blink, in my head I see your face, looking at me, you're there, now you're not, you're here, it was light, now I open my eyes and its just dark.

Every day

Days intertwined. Together or apart, blended, two lives merged way from the start.

So what happens when you break the thread, or force them to part?

When you cut the umbilical cord?

No air, ventilation on hold, and as I enter that vague place, your face is all I see, fading ,fading, out .

Left alone, to wonder how it all happened, how you left no signs, how i never saw the ending but still thought it could.

Running in opposite directions, wishing the other is looking back. How do you expect me to understand.. That I gave you all i have, popped my heart and drained it out.. to make you smile, to make you smile.

And I've become an expert at pretending, playing along, are you ok? yes I am, push a cheek up, plant a grin, cross fingers hoping it worked. I bottled you inside, mixed you with a secret potion. A secret recipe, full with anger, memories, and confusion.

And I'm ashamed to ask out loud, but when I'm alone I wonder do I still? If not then, why do I still feel trapped , consumed by a cold halo. I'm bare naked , but I'm dressed in a cocoon of your shadow. I try to shed it , to break or smash it..step on it , destroy it , poison it.. mission fail.

I need to escape your name, your days, desperately looking for the fire exit door. Because the flames are not turning into ash, and I'm starting to get bothered from the heat.. and I wonder, is it wise to run away. Maybe I should let it burn. I remain. It nibbles on my skin, devours my soul. Turn me into dust, sprinkle me across, because Its the only way I will be reborn.

Thats the best idea. Judgement clouded, eyes red, I decide, I need a new heart.

Interlude.

Caught in between acts. The performance on hold. Mute the background noise. Just lingering in the interlude. Stuck, no clue how to get out.

Numb to the world. Just taking a mental vacation. Stepping back, re-assessing, trying to brush some paint on that big picture I always hear about. Small strokes, baby steps. God, this indifference is killing me.

I plot my days packed. Surround myself with people, eyes, work and gossip. Tricking myself, wishing for amnesia, or maybe just a tiny blackout. A few unremembered minutes wont do any harm. Then I remember how it used to be. How easily we part, how easily life devours. I lose hope. Can I stay in the interlude for a bit longer please?

Because I've forgotten how it was, and I'm not ready for a new start. Because whenever I gather up my strength you knock me out and I fall. Because its been raining for a while and I'm soaked. So i blast music into my ears, i close my eyes, and i think about a dream. I meditate myself into a new world. I create my utopia, a city I build on my own. Sometimes you're there with me, but sometimes its just me, the sky, a lighter and the parliament.. the cigarettes. A place where the money is not the motive, and the glares are complimented with smiles. Somewhere in my head. In my head. But i cant stay there. Reality check.

I need to start on Act 2..this empty interlude has been going on for too long.

Mirror mirror on the wall.

Today. Yesterday. Tomorrow. What I do is between me and my god. It plays with the strings of my being. A solo song fueled with guilt, blasting with regret. So naive..i blame thee.

In bed i toss and turn. My ears ringing.. i hear them whispering. Matter of fact I wish they were whispering.

Building up the courage, looking for that energy to tell you, that you don't get to examine me. You cant strip me down and run an autopsy. Dont touch me. Your words are vibrating all through me. Pulling out all my imperfections..bringing my flaws back to life..but how could you collect them all and throw them in my face?

I'm so pressed to retaliate. To return the hate. But I'm just too smart to fall for your bait. So I wont be part of the cycle..sorry..I wont play your game.

Today, I'm buying you a gift instead. A mirror.

Oh i know you already have one at home. But didnt you hear.. I made a deal with snow whites worst nightmare. My mirror? oh trust me it has magical powers.. you smile.. it wont smile back. It'll show you what you've been hiding so well. It'll replay all your mistakes. Criticize your every face..and soon enough it'll be clear. The hypocrisy in your eyes will turn into fear.

I'm flawed. Human. Let me be.

Dont judge me.

Dont play with me.

You dont know me.

So a god please don't you dare try to be.