Denial

Never underestimate the power of denial, and I mean it. Never!
Its how we (humans) unconsciously (sometimes consciously) cope.
Denial is that brain heuristic, a shortcut, that gives us the ability to get out of bed in the morning.
To live again. It paves the way to forgetting. Like packing your thoughts and putting them away on that high shelf that you can't always reach. Denial is how we move on.
Denial is that 40 something year old woman living in her 20s
Its that couple sitting on the couch watching TV in silence on a Sunday night, co-existing
Its that girl sitting on his lap ignoring all the messages on his phone
Its when you're at a Gucci store with a maxed out credit card
Denial is when we know they're right, but we don't listen
Its when you go through that "they don't understand, I know better" thought process
Its when you're scared shit-less about a lifestyle change and you put a calm face on
Its when you don't really remember the night but you had a "good time"
Denial is when nothing is a big deal anymore
When you've been through it all and you start to think its normal
When you think you're winning but somehow all you left is breadcrumbs
Its when you think your Facebook friends are your real friends, cyber world
It's when you're madly in love and you think you're making rational decisions, blinded
It's when you miss them so much but you think your life will be fine without them
It's when everything is "okay" but you're reaching for the bottle
It's when "nothing changed" and everything is not the same
Denial. Never underestimate the power of denial. At least don't be in denial about that.

Mariam N

Hmm.

So you're here , predetermined , just on time.
I love you , but I was so close to calling it off.
It's cliche, nothing personal, but I've been having a hard time bringing myself..pushing myself to engage in human interaction.
I have enough communication going on...oh but can I still call it "communication" if its one ended? Oh whatever, so you're here now. I proceed, asking you how I can feed.. that buzz you need.
So I fix you up and I lead. Let me entertain you , touch that side of you, that you hide so well..but not quite. I know because I do that too but sometimes I fail.
What do you want to talk about..our feelings?
Your process of healing?
How we're dealing?
Coping or competing?
I'm lost, so I'm opening the door slightly, tell me what I should be believing?
How can I be sure this is what I want when I just can't predict what I will be feeling?
So you start to talk, I can hear the words before you speak.
You tell me life is what you make it, you can give it you can take it
You can waste it, and I love it.
So I take over
And I want to tell you everything , but its just so hard.
I'm too lazy to explain, because Its just too much, and you might not understand...all the times that I've had.
I've always had a plan. Now your telling me I have to rewind.
I'm just not ready for that.
Because I've been hurt there
There are somethings that I've been avoiding
And I've been running away
and every time i think about going to stay
I smile at first, but in my heart i can feel a cramp
Knowing that I must face it , I'm going back to base camp
Oh and I know it'll be good , I can do it I'm a champ..
I'm talking too much I really didn't give you a chance.
See I guess its a miscommunication that we tried to communicate
Because in my head I already know the story and finished the debate
That's why I'm up all night, that's why my mind wanders off
You tell me not to think too much, I swear it doesn't go off.
I can go on and on forever , I know its enough
I overwhelmed you, so we change the topic into random stuff
Now you're sober
Back to normal
You get up , I TTYL you and close the door
Leaving me alone with my thoughts, spark spark ..then no more.

Mariam N

Dream of Paradise

Mariam N

Born

Death is such a weird concept that I do not understand. The more you think about it the harder it gets to comprehend. Where do they go ? Do they watch upon us? Can they see the pain...the aching they left behind, and how hard it is to move on ? How impossible it is to forget? How the dynamics will forever be changed? How smiles try to conceal broken souls, and how happiness becomes abstract..an unattainable goal? How they go away and steal a part of you and never give it back? Do they know?
Maybe they forget..I would want to forget. But how dare they forget! The days you spent, the moments you connect. All the times you sat for hours in silence ..just silence..because that's all you needed sometimes..too close for formalities..then you wake up one day, and you're just sitting alone.. in silence..two lungs ventilating.two others missing.. reminiscing.. sipping..
Broken people..you see them everyday..

When do you know? Do they really want you to move on? Will she let you open your heart once more and let go?
You meet, its unexpected. It happens. He plays games, and so do you.You deny it, try to forget it..it meant nothing. But you can't stop thinking about it, remembering every touch..every word. She makes him smile, but she can see the hesitation in his eyes. Torn. Your head wants it , but his wounds start to leak every time you come near.. then he starts to freak..so you have to make that choice.. you'd rather not..but the decision is a must.  Because he can't handle that feeling again..too risky, too scary. And you have you're standards, and you have your friends, and on a potential disaster you'd rather just miss.. so you play pretend and you play friends.. because you've had your share and he has too.. and your scars are too scared to learn how to fall in love. Again. Stuck in the middle, haunted by the past..you waited.. he didn't meet you half way..so you'd rather just walk away.

How do you teach your heart how to love ?

Mariam N

Someone unlike you

Lights, buildings, hopes , highs, lows, and drops. I came in a child. What does this city do.. build you up , corrupt you, educate you, and throw you into life.
I wonder when I'm alone, about all the changes , all the "new" faces that are no longer new .. my new self and the damage I cant undo..
When I'm alone, I watch the fake stars, I try to forget .. but the problem is they left scars.. I wonder when I'm alone...then the voice inside get so loud, so I shut it up and numb it. Sitting in beautiful rooms, talking about a bunch of fools. Fools yes, not the males and the he's. That's just an old misconception. Blaming them always for the mistakes we make, for our soft hearts. It's not their fault. Its not his fault..
I let him do it , but he still did it . I was oblivious to the state of my heart. The kingdom was falling.
Because I no longer feed myself bullshit. Take it out and replace it with a pulse maker. Ticking my life away, because they're all the same. You think it's a problem when your sleeping alone, but isn't it a problem when it doesn't feel wrong anymore?

But then this one thing happens, and you start to feel like a kid again.. for a second though only..now I'm fully aware..but why would I go back to square one? Don't lie to me Adele, don't whine to me Lana. The next one will have to jump across all the mines I have planted. Survival of the fittest.

Mariam N

Say..what you need to say

Someone called me emotionally unavailable today.. really ?

I don't know why it really got to me. I got so defensive. But maybe I have been locked up emotionally. When did this happen? I guess I've been underestimating everything I've been through.. not letting it soak in.. moving on ..because if you linger in the past too much..if you think about ur mistakes for longer than you should..you're always going to be stuck.. so you go through life .. doing , repeating, learning.. maybe it just numbed me up ..oh well.. deal with it. Once you make that impression of someone, its really hard to change it.. and I really don't care to change it ... maybe I have become emotionally blocked ... for now




Mariam N