Sunday morning blues.

Reality is a story told to us by our brains. When I first heard my psychology professor saying that 2 years ago , I thought he was wise and that I completely understood him. It took me 2 years to realize that I actually do not understand. So at night when I'm alone, I contemplate. If we all have separate brains, hence different ideas of reality , then what is it then? An act of fiction, an idea? Whats the point of getting close to someone, if our perceptions will never be the same? I wonder..or maybe we're trapped in a loop hole of trial and error.

Oh Well..

Im walking with my coat on , but I hear them say its April. 11 pm . I hate passing through these ancient buildings at such a late hour. Its cold. But I wont stop till I get there. I have to ride it through. What a mission. Then I accept it, I pick it up, and I'm on a roll. I take my hand out of my pocket. I look at it. Its holding a pack. I light a smoke. 10 more minutes of systematic footwork. Damn it , ipod's running low. But im still puffing. Only when Im close to the bud do i realize.. that i have lost most of my senses in my hand. Red bruised. I wonder how i didnt notice it before. Then in a single moment of clarity in this dark night, I figure out how valuable these mouth to side movements are to me. More valuable than having a warm hand in my pocket. Addiction and conditional training. Our minds and bodies.. you are what you train yourself to be.... I wonder how many things I'm obliviously conditioned to ...and what happens when you become aware?

Me, Myself.. and I

Your the only one watching your life. Your the performance and the audience. So take care of you. The show deserves to be watched.

The script

Its strange and amusing, how people come and go. You know, people who come inside and actually unlock doors. Its hard for us to retain how we felt back then. Humans. Blessed and cursed with the gift of forgetting. Yet, you know for a fact that you swore you'd never forget. But you did. Temporarily. Yet, you know that some moments in the years between then and now , you felt their presence again, somewhere..sometimes, in the randomest.

You think of shooting a text..no maybe an email? knowing you actually wont.

What would you say? Do you still know how to talk to his heart? how to trigger ? Maybe not.

You brush it off and go to sleep with a weird taste in your dream. Then it happens, because oh it does happen. Your somehow face to face. You cant help but blush, feel the blood rush, and think oh fuck. Caught off guard. What do you say? Oh hi, how are you. Society taught us how to pretend..scripts and small talk, we can do that. Smiling but really wanting to just run away. Regretting why you came to this place anyway. Your both wondering, why does this feel weird, after all these years? but you both know exactly why. Making common people chat, forgetting what they once had.How they touched. How they vowed.The pain. Forgetting who they were in that time, realizing how much they've grown apart,

Knowing that this person undoubtedly shaped who you are,

yet failing to see it in their spark, what spark?

And just in that moment, you understand

and you get that feeling that you were bound to have

that feeling that your meeting..for the first time.

Fill me

What do you do when life puts a block on ur adrenaline duct?

Do you fall back , accept it ? Would you rather be sensitive about things you don't really care about, or not being able to feel anything towards the things you care about the most? What do you do when nothing excites you, when nothing surprises you? When your tears flow no more and your pressing hard ? What do you tell the girl who knows it all? Tell her its spring again.. smile, forget the winter blues in december.. and carry on.

Luminocity

I have a headache. Saturday morning, my thoughts woke me up. The lack of power thats been taking over me is unbelievable.

One thing about will power, once you crack it , its never the same.

I've been rendering submissively to everything i said I would not.

I'm kind of sick of this game.

I know I can do it , I know I can..

then why do I see it hanging every time i look at my hand.

Isn't it amazing what a few puffs can do.

Little pieces of a devil, thats what I'm rendering to.

Head rush, amplifier and all that

I try to distract the urge, but it distracts me back.

It's a wrong state of mind that i just cant seem to retract.

And as i glance down, I laugh at how much this little thing stands for.

New ideas, and beliefs, that i never thought I'd vote for.

So where do I go from here.

Tell me if its going to be permanent or if it'll someday disappear

Because you can't keep expecting me to know whats right and wrong.

It's relative, justifiable, come on if religion cant agree on one deal

Dont expect me to know what to preach and what to fear.

And as i let my guard down that I've been pushing up so high

I find myself in tears, and ashamed I ask the sky

What do you want from me, how can i live a good life till i die

But i hear no answer, all i see is light

Illuminating from above , damn it I've got to fight

Then I go through it all over, determined and full of might

And as I'm walking around, I catch a glimpse of it and I wonder if I'm ready yet..

I pick it up , and I tell myself, that today is not the day

Deep down I'd know that tomorrow I'll behave the same way

A self destructive circle, I'll run around through

Bending myself a bit more everyday,

Hoping I would mould that crack in my will power

and fight back, pretty soon.. amen I pray.

At least I'm trying ! That picture...Little kids doing big kid things.

I want to marry my bestfriend. Its possible, I witnessed it today. Good things still happen.

good riddance 2010? or not?

According to astrology and horoscope lovers, 2010 was a year of change for Libras like me, and supposedly 2011 will keep walking in that path. I don't know if I really believe predictions but personally my life seems to have taken a position on that wheel of fortune. Spinning randomly and chaotically. It feels like the beginning of the year was a decade ago. I don't know if it really is a "new" year or are we as humans just playing with numbers, I mean we have so many different new years, Chinese, Muslim, Persian,etc, which one marks the beginning?

On another note, I've been through so much in the past year. The first half was dramatic just as my new years evening was. Looking back, I'm thankful for the good as much as the bad. I'm thankful for the hate I've seen, the prejudiced beings, for the hypocritical. Eye opening year. Thank you for the mistakes I've made, for the wrong causes I pursued. It's been tough, but I emerged. They thought I'd sink but I floated.

Praises to all the new faces I've met in the second half of the year, mostly in Toronto. Each one of you added a peace to my existence.

Should we pay homage for the days that past or try to write down pointless resolutions? I find that everyone is almost hoping for the same things, re-wishing last years wishes.. humans are optimistic by nature. Which explains the emphasis we place on celebrating the birth of a new year with pathetic parties and binge drinking. Are we trying to forget? I will never understand.

Re-capping from a wider lens, what has humanity done. We have 3D television sets, Spain won the world cup, Fashion evolved to a "anything works" era, hearts are still getting broken, some homes are built on the developed end, many shattered on the developing. Natural disasters hit the unfortunate, Secrets exposed (love that), governments ashamed. I've been hearing about world peace efforts for the past 20 years...still no progress, so I'm not really sure what I want from Mr.011.

What I do know is that I gained a bit of wisdom this year, I'm not replaying last years resolutions because as I said I've changed. This year.. I don't know how its going to go, if planning ahead gives you a sense of comfort and security then go ahead and do it. But it seems pointless to me, I'm just going to try and be a better human, elevate to another level hopefully, keep influencing those of you in my life, and keep an open eye and open mind. To the children brought into the world in 2011, I would like to welcome you to the world, I was going to throw some of my ideology at you, but I realized that people dont understand till they go through it..we learn from our own mistakes, advice, we barely take, so I'm just going to save my breath.

Lost for words, hoping for the best, and expecting the worst. Wishing you all the best. For the sake of tradition I'll say happy new years, and may the best of 2010 be the worst of your 2011..oh what the hell, Cheers!

Feeling like an Eve

It’s unfortunate that they say its not right. Rocking on this chair, pretending to pretend, rocking away.

Holding them in, too precious to shed. No tears from a king. I am a king, a soldier, a night-time lonely watcher. Surrounded by it all, security around the clock. Still thinking about the forbidden, the impossible, the unfortunate. Oh damn, security breach. I know I will be okay. I told you I’m a soldier. I’ll shoot you. Leap over your dead body and walk away. If only…I was a soldier. It’s my fault. I never forget the rules, so why am I stranded on an illegal border now. I want to go home, but what is home, where is it, I don’t know anymore. I need help. Can I go back to who I was before? I crossed the line, and lost the way back. Because you’re the fruit I always wanted. Your shoulder was built for me. I've heard them say, I've been warned, don't touch what you cant grab, dont reach for what you cant have. But I just want you to know that my heart is a rebel, it doesn't play by the rules, so save your guidelines, let it be. No language or religion. Does it really matter? Why do you have to go and put titles, labels, pick up the red highlighter and emphasize our differences? What am i saying, they don’t understand. My pain they won’t comprehend. Yes, I’m forever changed. No longer in denial. Your face is haunting me. I want to go back and do things differently, but I can't be thinking this way. I wish I never came home to you that day. I should’ve stayed with my friends. The butterfly effect. Damn that horrible beautiful butterfly. Casually landed on my palm, caught me off-guard and I knew I wouldn’t be the same again. Greatness is what we feared; I know our bond would’ve blown me away. So we run away now, escape with what we can still save. Because the love is not enough, and the pain is just too rough. You opened the door so easily, now everytime I close my eyes, even if it’s just to blink, in my head I see your face, looking at me, you're there, now you're not, you're here, it was light, now I open my eyes and its just dark.

Every day

Days intertwined. Together or apart, blended, two lives merged way from the start.

So what happens when you break the thread, or force them to part?

When you cut the umbilical cord?

No air, ventilation on hold, and as I enter that vague place, your face is all I see, fading ,fading, out .

Left alone, to wonder how it all happened, how you left no signs, how i never saw the ending but still thought it could.

Running in opposite directions, wishing the other is looking back. How do you expect me to understand.. That I gave you all i have, popped my heart and drained it out.. to make you smile, to make you smile.

And I've become an expert at pretending, playing along, are you ok? yes I am, push a cheek up, plant a grin, cross fingers hoping it worked. I bottled you inside, mixed you with a secret potion. A secret recipe, full with anger, memories, and confusion.

And I'm ashamed to ask out loud, but when I'm alone I wonder do I still? If not then, why do I still feel trapped , consumed by a cold halo. I'm bare naked , but I'm dressed in a cocoon of your shadow. I try to shed it , to break or smash it..step on it , destroy it , poison it.. mission fail.

I need to escape your name, your days, desperately looking for the fire exit door. Because the flames are not turning into ash, and I'm starting to get bothered from the heat.. and I wonder, is it wise to run away. Maybe I should let it burn. I remain. It nibbles on my skin, devours my soul. Turn me into dust, sprinkle me across, because Its the only way I will be reborn.

Thats the best idea. Judgement clouded, eyes red, I decide, I need a new heart.

Interlude.

Caught in between acts. The performance on hold. Mute the background noise. Just lingering in the interlude. Stuck, no clue how to get out.

Numb to the world. Just taking a mental vacation. Stepping back, re-assessing, trying to brush some paint on that big picture I always hear about. Small strokes, baby steps. God, this indifference is killing me.

I plot my days packed. Surround myself with people, eyes, work and gossip. Tricking myself, wishing for amnesia, or maybe just a tiny blackout. A few unremembered minutes wont do any harm. Then I remember how it used to be. How easily we part, how easily life devours. I lose hope. Can I stay in the interlude for a bit longer please?

Because I've forgotten how it was, and I'm not ready for a new start. Because whenever I gather up my strength you knock me out and I fall. Because its been raining for a while and I'm soaked. So i blast music into my ears, i close my eyes, and i think about a dream. I meditate myself into a new world. I create my utopia, a city I build on my own. Sometimes you're there with me, but sometimes its just me, the sky, a lighter and the parliament.. the cigarettes. A place where the money is not the motive, and the glares are complimented with smiles. Somewhere in my head. In my head. But i cant stay there. Reality check.

I need to start on Act 2..this empty interlude has been going on for too long.

Mirror mirror on the wall.

Today. Yesterday. Tomorrow. What I do is between me and my god. It plays with the strings of my being. A solo song fueled with guilt, blasting with regret. So naive..i blame thee.

In bed i toss and turn. My ears ringing.. i hear them whispering. Matter of fact I wish they were whispering.

Building up the courage, looking for that energy to tell you, that you don't get to examine me. You cant strip me down and run an autopsy. Dont touch me. Your words are vibrating all through me. Pulling out all my imperfections..bringing my flaws back to life..but how could you collect them all and throw them in my face?

I'm so pressed to retaliate. To return the hate. But I'm just too smart to fall for your bait. So I wont be part of the cycle..sorry..I wont play your game.

Today, I'm buying you a gift instead. A mirror.

Oh i know you already have one at home. But didnt you hear.. I made a deal with snow whites worst nightmare. My mirror? oh trust me it has magical powers.. you smile.. it wont smile back. It'll show you what you've been hiding so well. It'll replay all your mistakes. Criticize your every face..and soon enough it'll be clear. The hypocrisy in your eyes will turn into fear.

I'm flawed. Human. Let me be.

Dont judge me.

Dont play with me.

You dont know me.

So a god please don't you dare try to be.

Can we go up the hill today

maybe celebrate and call it a holiday

because I'm sick of those clothes and i want to recreate

a vision of you standing in front of me again

I wonder where you are? I thought you were coming back

you said you'd never leave me. I believed.

where were you when the sky fell down?

how'd you miss it? you missed me.

You said you'd never. Never be like that. You criticized.

and we both fantasized.

About a time when things would be different.

We'd be one and the streets would glow.

You missed me. Because in the end i realized. Turned out.

That I only fantasized that you criticized.

They say talk is cheap. I don't care what they say.

but they're right. talk.. mere vibrations that evaporate with distance.

You're gone. But I think you should get lost.

I broke my promises. for you.

Hands down. It was my fault. Your too proud for love.

Pride? you rid me of it. Kept it all yours.

So this is for you. I guess that I'm done with you.

Lets go down the hill tonight. I was never really high.

we will be beautiful

I used to be a talented sleeper. I recall a time when sleep was sacred. I miss those times, yet i can barely remember how beautiful it is to rest your head, and forget. But I've found a new way to wipe things off lately. Tunes. Beats. Sounds that accelerate my being. Once I set on a trance expedition, I'm a determined, and faithful part of it. The gift of music. I'm a big fan of talent. Name it, if you've got it, I bow to it. I stand with pressed lips to the music gods. I'm not saying its easy to please the eye, but lets not underestimate the ear. It's hard to exhilarate.

Who would watch a movie on mute? Whoever limited the use of the word orgasm to the art of love making has never had his true senses aroused. Music commands our lives, we are oblivious to it. I've seen people swallow, sniff, and blow for music. Music stoners. Beat crack-heads. True music lovers. I've seen fellows who rave soberly. The music IS our drug they say. It's the spine of our vitality. If there is one thing that we've carried with us from one civilization to the next, its music. From sticks and stones, to turn tables and Bose speakers. Music. It loves me like no other lover. Takes me places, echo forever in my being, shows me faces..so powerful..consumed by its halo projection..i can be whatever i want.. you become the best i've ever known.. I'm fooled into believing in fairytales.. I could fall in love again.. anything is possible.. because my eyes are shut. Forget about sight. Play with the chords of my soul. Music. Give me everything you take, fill me up and swim in me...light me up.. we will be beautiful..I will be sleepless.,and when im gone, honor me with music so good, its unhealthy, nothing but music.. my deadly infatuation.

changeling

I was the biggest proponent of the idea that people don't change. I was a kid. Sorry. I didnt know better. I was inspired by a friend last night.. listening to her talking, I relived a younger version of me in her. I saw her pain for a bit.. but it was out shined by her strength.. even though I'm in no position to feel so ..but I was proud. Growing up is inevitable, unintentional, it happens to all of us indiscriminantly. Change is about will power. We can't all do it...its only those one of us who are bright enough to see the road bending, but continue to walk straight.. only those who want to retaliate..to make a statement.. to prove them all wrong..but to make some of them proud..I sincerely apologize to the mind numbing,soul crushing, brainwashing society..because i retired.. and i will no longer entertain you.

Where? what did you say?

Technology is way ahead of us. I swear the faster we learn how to fly things over continents whether its messages,emoticons, or ourselves, the harder it is for our minds to wrap itself around it. We think we understand but we don't. Oh my god we are so confused. Switching weather. Changing faces. Switching language, ideology, or simply the air..the whole process is just under-rated. I'm tangled and intertwined between two very different lives. Trying to figure out which one is the truth and which one is the trick. There has to be a trick. I feel like my life has expanded over the Atlantic, but I'm actually back here now. And it doesn't make sense. So which one is the trick? and the thing is .. even the life we were used to has changed. Some have grown up, some apart. Some of us have gone crazy and some have become best friends with things they're trying everyday. Some of us never want to come back. They cant come back. Because the atmosphere is unusual..unfamiliar, not the same. Mixed with new bodies, and new souls...some are just bodies without souls..the atmosphere..doesnt feel right..and you wonder why they never want to come back. Its harder for those who left.. who put the past behind them and walked away.. you cant expect me to understand because i don't know when it exactly happened..when did it go away, when did the tables spin.. and how did i miss it.. just please remind me...where the hell am i now?

Caught up.

Can we do it all over again. rewind, undo , restart, call it whatever you want. Take it back to the top. Can we redo the hellos and how are yous. Re-own all the words we set free..turn back our actions into thoughts..re-bottle and twist the cap on our emotions..feelings unspoken. stories untold. pain unfelt. Just replay. Because this time, ill play it better, ill know what to say, where to place you, where to stop you, and when to let you go.I promise this time ill let you go. Can we pretend memories never happened, that we didnt go down in history, take away the YOU from your perfume..can we pretend we never became a we. Feelings unspoken.Stories untold. Pain unfelt. Just replay. Can we break the bond we formed so easily, and never try to merge again. Can I pack my suitcase and never comeback? because all i can see behind our casual lies is that you've lost the white in your eyes, I can see you blocked your senses out of your mind. and so you leave me here, expecting me to stay, do you really expect me to just add all the Re-s to my words, to restart my heart after it stopped, to re-take that adrenaline shot, to replay it all from the top?.. a clean slate..is that what you really want?

Take me away

I’m sitting on the bed, wearing her top and smelling like her, ready to go , just waiting for her to stop looking at herself in the mirror. I watch her go through the same cycle..dressed, undressed, and dressed again. We play the usual game: Music in the background, wine in our hands, the do I look fat?followed by the of course nots..watching our cheeks turn rosy, our visions get blurry, and our laughs go louder. Forgetting about our insecurities, our doubts, our fears, just for now..Its me and her. Heels on, tops down, and we’re out.

I wake up with a familiar headache, it bothers me no more, it just reminds me of another great night we spent together. Going through the pictures on my camera, thinking to myself how the hell did this happen?

Surrounded and consumed. Consumed by the people in my life that’s how it has always been, and I struggle. I struggle because I didn’t plan this, I could’ve sworn I was content, satisfied, done with adding people to my contact list. I fight so hard to keep each encounter formal..nice meeting you too, and then we’d part. But we were not meant to part.

Wasting hours together, doing nothing but being together, and I drift to the future..always a bad idea, I learned not to expect, not to wish or plan..life doesn’t work by an agenda..but somehow, don’t ask me how, she’s going to be there. She’s been stabbed before, managed to recover, but their will always be a fracture in her spine, forever ruptured. Her beauty lies in her fragility. Its hard for her to trust, and I just want to teach her again. I want her to see herself through my eyes.. see the beauty of her soul, and the generosity of her heart.

I look at myself and I see a part of her in me. We barely argue, we never fight, we’re on the same level, and how on earth did that happen? She broke my independence, shattered it to pieces, but I like it this way. She can take whatever she wants, because she’s the sister I never had. So I let her invade my personal space, because for the first time it feels mutual, it’s a reciprocal bond. I’m the arm that holds her when she cries, so that I don’t cry myself. I’m the glass she taps because I too am looking for happiness and I find it when I’m around her.

I’m halfway through my third glass of water, waiting for her to come over, so we can play our little games again, so we can hide in each other’s arms, so we can forget about him and her, so we can restore some of the innocence they stole. Waiting for her to come, song stuck in my head, and it cries out to me “if you should die before me, please ask if you could bring a friend”..

Wash me away with every passing day

Age is just a variable. Growing up is not about wrinkles, turning legal, graduating, paying your first bill, nor driving your first car. It’s much simpler than that. It all comes down to those moments. Certain moments..Heart gripping moments that rip your innocence away...moments, that rock your existence, rid you from the purity of your slate. Moments, and after they pass, even though you might still look the same, you are forever changed. You wont miss them, you’ll know when they come. Its a rebirth, a new era, where touch, color, smell and pain feel so different. Life has placed you on a new page, flipping back is impossible. But now you want to go back, you dont like change..You try to go back; you lie to yourself, you front, push it to the back of your head, ignore, avoid, pretend, and kill.....you pay the price, Because you never appreciated the peace of mind you had..the serenity, the calm.. and the silence. Looking into the mirror, staring into strangers eyes, thinking to myself.. why were we in such a rush?

I am not here.

Amused by the duality; there is an idea of a you and I..

maybe a definition or some kind of abstraction.Most likely a misconception.. because its only me, and its just you.. there is no real you and I, only an unattainable vision. An imaginary illusion. Shake hands, stare into eyes, and ride cars..and even though it may seem that we think alike, you can never read my mind, we can never know each other, scratch ourselves from under the skin, or break the shell. Feel my breathe on your neck, but I'm in my own state.. desperately attached on the outside, so far away on the inside, resting on opposite ends of the void, ...friendly strangers because I don't know who I am ..and neither do you..we are not here, somewhere else...just not here....so lets at least pretend to agree about that.