The cruelest thing in this world is granting false hope. Unrealistic hope..imaginary hope. A failed pregnancy. Hope that leaves u baron again. You think its going to get better.. that finally you will smile again.. that life will change in a way.. and although you are scared of change..you are willing to take the risk.Because you want to believe again. Potential happiness is an envious person's biggest target....and I marked it with an eye-catching red cross. I shouldn't have spoken about it. I tried to down play it.. but still.. it showed. But what am I saying, at the end of the day, I am the one to blame. For being too easy, too nice, too kind, for being who I really am. Which leaves me wondering who I really am. Am I actually that person I loath.. the desperate females..who keep trying to come whole. I thought I was whole..but I never was. Actions speak louder than words. If I was the main actress in a movie that I am watching.. I would hate myself. I would want to go up to her and give her advice. Honey, don't underestimate yourself. Stop being insecure. You have it all. You have it. Don't forget who you are, where you really came from, where you grew up. That is who you are. You are not them..and you will never be. A negro wanting to be white. This is no michael jackson. I am thankful for this, because i realized that I can actually care again. But i've learned another hard lesson once more. Just because he was the first polite one, doesnt mean hes not an asshole. He's a smart asshole. You've set your standards too low that a king could rise from the dirt just by slightly over achieving. That is your own fault. That is your problem. You are lucky once more, to have been spared the heart-ache. Cut it short, don't let it dwell and unfold. Complications no more, thank god for your family and friend. For your job, for everything. False hope you wont play me once more. I am forever in doubt.

Mariam N

She said you can do anything if you put your mind to it, but sometimes i find it really hard to jot down how i feel, its much easier to conceal. To hide behind silence, and leave words unexposed. The last time I wrote I was on the other end of the world, but I guess now its the time to let it out, unfurled. Unroll, unzip, uncurl. So I try and I try, and it just doesn't seem to flow, what do I want to say what do I want to show. I'm back home, trying to fit in, to bend to remold. It's not as hard as I thought but god damn some days I'm out of hope. Why are you people so weird, where did your moral skills disappear, somebody should have stopped this from happening and just interfered. I guess its because religion rules, I really really try to fight what I'm feeling but some people don't come off as nothing but a bunch of fools. I can't even walk around my city, my own hometown, those men are so sexually deprived , when I hide back in my car I'm like damn I survived. Because we live like sheep, we're so behind. I guess it would've been easier if my eyes were never opened and my mind stayed focused on how I was living 5 years ago. It would've been easier, but I would never take it back. The blessing that I had has taught me everything that back then I used to lack. Why are you starring at me turn around. Then I talk to myself and discuss that it isn't as bad, every place has its flaws, I just need to re-learn how to love it unconditionally. Like a mother loves its child. Unconditional.
Sometimes I sit and reminisce about all the faces I used to know, that somehow I had to let go. We just didn't rub the same way anymore, I had to let go.




Mariam N

There is no light at the end of a Dead End

I think its time to admit , that i have feelings for him.

That once again i've found myself in a self pitying situation. That once again im at a dead end. Is it the attention, the boredom or is this who I really am. This is who I really am. For as long as I remember I craved the attention. I loved the male, that sex. That side of me taking me straight, so straight, wish i could divert. I'd be less hurt. In a situation with a person that I play boyfriend/girlfriend with. We play pretend because thats been a theme for me. Self-denial. Self-consciousness. and Self loathing. Do we take each other for granted like he says..do I expect more than I should..do I put him over the hill more than for anyone else I would.

 Since I'm being open now ill just keep talking..

Is it lust, or is it boredom. because for sure its stinging jealousy...burning inside of me, tearing my inner flesh, leaving me anxious, angry, confused and in doubt. The  fear of missing him out.The fear of the phase that it is.The fear of the ending. A dead end..like i said it is. Thats what it is.. why did i do this.. why did i let it. Too old for this too smart for this, too young for this, too stupid. The things is, I really don't get what I see in him.. yet when we're together, its not the same as anyone else, no one can compare, a feeling i cannot simply spare. I am happy, content, nourished, and no longer famished. I dont need anyone. My Self-sufficient irony. Because he gives me that juice of spirit i need. That feeling i yearn to feel. No one else does it. I dont think he realizes the power he has on me.. his unintentional halo-on his worst days- that brightens my fucking darkest days. He plays with me like a toy, takes me wherever he wants, making me compromise my time my reputation my friends.. I do it intentionally knowing that for once I dont mind being played...fucked up. 

 The ambiance he grows on my soul, the feeling that I dont want to let go, knowing that i have to, that i must, that i must walk away, put in that first step, walk away..from his beautiful smile, from his beautiful smile. 

We must learn to let go...