I think its time to admit , that i have feelings for him.
That once again i've found myself in a self pitying situation. That once again im at a dead end. Is it the attention, the boredom or is this who I really am. This is who I really am. For as long as I remember I craved the attention. I loved the male, that sex. That side of me taking me straight, so straight, wish i could divert. I'd be less hurt. In a situation with a person that I play boyfriend/girlfriend with. We play pretend because thats been a theme for me. Self-denial. Self-consciousness. and Self loathing. Do we take each other for granted like he says..do I expect more than I should..do I put him over the hill more than for anyone else I would.
Since I'm being open now ill just keep talking..
Is it lust, or is it boredom. because for sure its stinging jealousy...burning inside of me, tearing my inner flesh, leaving me anxious, angry, confused and in doubt. The fear of missing him out.The fear of the phase that it is.The fear of the ending. A dead end..like i said it is. Thats what it is.. why did i do this.. why did i let it. Too old for this too smart for this, too young for this, too stupid. The things is, I really don't get what I see in him.. yet when we're together, its not the same as anyone else, no one can compare, a feeling i cannot simply spare. I am happy, content, nourished, and no longer famished. I dont need anyone. My Self-sufficient irony. Because he gives me that juice of spirit i need. That feeling i yearn to feel. No one else does it. I dont think he realizes the power he has on me.. his unintentional halo-on his worst days- that brightens my fucking darkest days. He plays with me like a toy, takes me wherever he wants, making me compromise my time my reputation my friends.. I do it intentionally knowing that for once I dont mind being played...fucked up.
Is it lust, or is it boredom. because for sure its stinging jealousy...burning inside of me, tearing my inner flesh, leaving me anxious, angry, confused and in doubt. The fear of missing him out.The fear of the phase that it is.The fear of the ending. A dead end..like i said it is. Thats what it is.. why did i do this.. why did i let it. Too old for this too smart for this, too young for this, too stupid. The things is, I really don't get what I see in him.. yet when we're together, its not the same as anyone else, no one can compare, a feeling i cannot simply spare. I am happy, content, nourished, and no longer famished. I dont need anyone. My Self-sufficient irony. Because he gives me that juice of spirit i need. That feeling i yearn to feel. No one else does it. I dont think he realizes the power he has on me.. his unintentional halo-on his worst days- that brightens my fucking darkest days. He plays with me like a toy, takes me wherever he wants, making me compromise my time my reputation my friends.. I do it intentionally knowing that for once I dont mind being played...fucked up.
The ambiance he grows on my soul, the feeling that I dont want to let go, knowing that i have to, that i must, that i must walk away, put in that first step, walk away..from his beautiful smile, from his beautiful smile.
We must learn to let go...
