Caught up.

Can we do it all over again. rewind, undo , restart, call it whatever you want. Take it back to the top. Can we redo the hellos and how are yous. Re-own all the words we set free..turn back our actions into thoughts..re-bottle and twist the cap on our emotions..feelings unspoken. stories untold. pain unfelt. Just replay. Because this time, ill play it better, ill know what to say, where to place you, where to stop you, and when to let you go.I promise this time ill let you go. Can we pretend memories never happened, that we didnt go down in history, take away the YOU from your perfume..can we pretend we never became a we. Feelings unspoken.Stories untold. Pain unfelt. Just replay. Can we break the bond we formed so easily, and never try to merge again. Can I pack my suitcase and never comeback? because all i can see behind our casual lies is that you've lost the white in your eyes, I can see you blocked your senses out of your mind. and so you leave me here, expecting me to stay, do you really expect me to just add all the Re-s to my words, to restart my heart after it stopped, to re-take that adrenaline shot, to replay it all from the top?.. a clean slate..is that what you really want?

Take me away

I’m sitting on the bed, wearing her top and smelling like her, ready to go , just waiting for her to stop looking at herself in the mirror. I watch her go through the same cycle..dressed, undressed, and dressed again. We play the usual game: Music in the background, wine in our hands, the do I look fat?followed by the of course nots..watching our cheeks turn rosy, our visions get blurry, and our laughs go louder. Forgetting about our insecurities, our doubts, our fears, just for now..Its me and her. Heels on, tops down, and we’re out.

I wake up with a familiar headache, it bothers me no more, it just reminds me of another great night we spent together. Going through the pictures on my camera, thinking to myself how the hell did this happen?

Surrounded and consumed. Consumed by the people in my life that’s how it has always been, and I struggle. I struggle because I didn’t plan this, I could’ve sworn I was content, satisfied, done with adding people to my contact list. I fight so hard to keep each encounter formal..nice meeting you too, and then we’d part. But we were not meant to part.

Wasting hours together, doing nothing but being together, and I drift to the future..always a bad idea, I learned not to expect, not to wish or plan..life doesn’t work by an agenda..but somehow, don’t ask me how, she’s going to be there. She’s been stabbed before, managed to recover, but their will always be a fracture in her spine, forever ruptured. Her beauty lies in her fragility. Its hard for her to trust, and I just want to teach her again. I want her to see herself through my eyes.. see the beauty of her soul, and the generosity of her heart.

I look at myself and I see a part of her in me. We barely argue, we never fight, we’re on the same level, and how on earth did that happen? She broke my independence, shattered it to pieces, but I like it this way. She can take whatever she wants, because she’s the sister I never had. So I let her invade my personal space, because for the first time it feels mutual, it’s a reciprocal bond. I’m the arm that holds her when she cries, so that I don’t cry myself. I’m the glass she taps because I too am looking for happiness and I find it when I’m around her.

I’m halfway through my third glass of water, waiting for her to come over, so we can play our little games again, so we can hide in each other’s arms, so we can forget about him and her, so we can restore some of the innocence they stole. Waiting for her to come, song stuck in my head, and it cries out to me “if you should die before me, please ask if you could bring a friend”..

Wash me away with every passing day

Age is just a variable. Growing up is not about wrinkles, turning legal, graduating, paying your first bill, nor driving your first car. It’s much simpler than that. It all comes down to those moments. Certain moments..Heart gripping moments that rip your innocence away...moments, that rock your existence, rid you from the purity of your slate. Moments, and after they pass, even though you might still look the same, you are forever changed. You wont miss them, you’ll know when they come. Its a rebirth, a new era, where touch, color, smell and pain feel so different. Life has placed you on a new page, flipping back is impossible. But now you want to go back, you dont like change..You try to go back; you lie to yourself, you front, push it to the back of your head, ignore, avoid, pretend, and kill.....you pay the price, Because you never appreciated the peace of mind you had..the serenity, the calm.. and the silence. Looking into the mirror, staring into strangers eyes, thinking to myself.. why were we in such a rush?

I am not here.

Amused by the duality; there is an idea of a you and I..

maybe a definition or some kind of abstraction.Most likely a misconception.. because its only me, and its just you.. there is no real you and I, only an unattainable vision. An imaginary illusion. Shake hands, stare into eyes, and ride cars..and even though it may seem that we think alike, you can never read my mind, we can never know each other, scratch ourselves from under the skin, or break the shell. Feel my breathe on your neck, but I'm in my own state.. desperately attached on the outside, so far away on the inside, resting on opposite ends of the void, ...friendly strangers because I don't know who I am ..and neither do you..we are not here, somewhere else...just not here....so lets at least pretend to agree about that.